Michele Novotni, PhD

People often struggle to find ways to connect with others. In the old days folks sat on their porches and spent part of the evening saying hi to the folks who dropped in or passed by. Today it is no longer socially appropriate to drop by, and the loss is ours.

Many folks with ADHD feel disconnected or isolated, with limited meaningful relationships in their lives. And given the ADHD challenges with time management, planning and setting priorities, it’s no wonder relationships suffer. But it’s not too late to make new friends and expand your social circle!

Time

If your calendar has more “to do” items than open opportunities to socialize, only you have the power to change it. You are the one who schedules trips to the dentist, the baseball games, work meetings – and you decide how you allocate your time. Just like investment advisors tell us to put money into savings first – because you will always spend what you have – you need to schedule time to socialize. Otherwise you will probably not have “extra” time left over.

TIP: Begin by adding at least two social engagements to your calendar for this month. Try to cultivate one relationship you already have and explore one new situation to try to expand your social circle.

Folks You Know

Take to heart the Girl Scout song, “Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold.” Look through your address book, your children’s school directory or those business cards you’ve collected. Call people you haven’t seen in a while. Relationships require tending. Periodic phone calls, emails, notes and visits keep your old friends in your social circle.

Meeting New Folks

Ask folks you know to invite another couple or person along when you get together. If you like your friends, chances are you’ll like their friends.

Every friend is someone you once didn’t know. Look for opportunities to find others with common beliefs or interests to expand your friendship base. For example, ask folks you know to invite another couple or person along when you get together. If you like your friends, chances are you’ll like their friends.

Joining groups or participating in activities also work. Faith-based organizations can help you connect with others who have similar beliefs. Working out at a gym provides opportunities to meet new people as long as you go at the same time each day. People won’t usually talk with you at first, but if you see them regularly, conversations pop up. Join a club or organization, sign up for a class at night school or a local college or become a volunteer. Local newspapers often list these opportunities.

If you are having difficulty finding a group that interests you, plan your own social outings with your work colleagues or neighbors. Consider pot-luck dinners or activities such as bowling, tennis, movies or just getting together for lunch.

Tip: Go on an outing – a treasure- hunting outing – to expand your social circle. Make a list of the kinds of people you would like to meet. Think creatively of places they may be – the art museum, the jogging path, a lecture or a crafts demonstration.

What Do I Say???

When phoning someone you already know, you could say, “It would be great to catch up. Let’s get together for lunch or breakfast.” Then, choose a relatively quiet place to sit comfortably and talk in a relaxed atmosphere.

If there’s someone you don’t know whom you’d like to know better, introduce yourself and say something about the activity you’re attending – like, “Hi, I’m Jane. This is my first golf class, what about you?” Try to avoid asking, “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”

After September 11th, people seem to be reevaluating what is really important in life. People who weren’t making an effort before may now be more willing to connect. To connect with them, though, requires preparation and thought. Happy planning!

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This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited.

Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

At business meetings, Sarah feels like she doesn’t fit in. She struggles to keep track of the conversations, has difficulty blocking out unwanted sounds, participates rarely, and ends up feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what was said.

Sam, on the other hand, considers himself very social. He loves to talk to his group and always has a story to tell. Unfortunately, he often misses the cues that tell him not to dominate the discussion.

Whether you have inattentive AD/HD, like Sarah, or hyperactive AD/HD, like Sam, group interaction can be a challenge. There are different rules and expectations for different types of groups, so it is important to understand what the requirements are and to prepare accordingly. But by sticking to some simple strategies, you can stay on track throughout your meetings and conduct yourself with grace in social settings.

Work Groups

People with AD/HD thrive on brainstorming and collaboration in the workplace. But remember that the primary purpose of working as a group is to accomplish a task efficiently.

• Know the expectations concerning your specific role as well as the overall goals and deadlines for the project at hand.

TIP: Schedule an hour of quiet time before a meeting in a noisy environment to focus yourself. Take a brisk walk right before a mellow get-together to work off some of your excess energy.

• Stay within the time frame for the group meeting. Avoid side conversations or off-task comments. Try a timer to help all of the members stay on track.
• Hold meetings in a relatively quiet environment to limit distractions. A lunch meeting in a noisy restaurant will make it hard to concentrate.
• Tape-record the meeting if you feel you’ll have trouble remembering what was said. If you have difficulty staying on task, take notes as well to help keep you focused.
• Balance your participation with the other members. Select an effective member of the group as a model and use that person’s level of participation as a gauge to determine whether you’re speaking too much or too little.

Support Groups

You’ll get the best support from your group if you can find the middle ground between talking and listening.

• Know the structure of your group and save chatter for the right time. Some groups schedule casual social periods along with group sharing, while others provide opportunities to mingle only before and after the official meeting.

TIP: If you take medication to lessen symptoms of distractibility and fidgeting at work, you may want to adjust the timing to cover your evening meetings, as well.

• Balance your personal disclosure. Observe silently for a meeting or two before jumping in. Sharing too much makes group members feel uncomfortable, whereas sharing too little makes you seem standoffish. Take your cues from others to find the right balance.
• Be respectful and supportive. Aim for a three-to-one ratio—three comments in response to others for every personal comment you make.

Social Groups

Many of the support-group tips apply here as well.

• Enlist a friend to give you subtle cues (hand movements, eye contact, or gentle foot taps) to regulate your degree of participation. Because there are fewer constraints on behavior in social settings, this will help you stay with a conversation or avoid chattering away.
• Be mindful of time. Social groups, like more formal groups, are often planned, though they are more likely to stray from a time frame. Follow the lead of others and leave when the majority of participants leave.

Remember, if you have prepared yourself to meet the expectations of the group, you’ll be more likely to enjoy yourself.

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This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2005. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

Faux pas are inevitable until you learn the unspoken give-and-take that accompany every conversation.

Mary’s perspective Last night I invited my friend, Lisa, to my house. When she arrived, I greeted her at the door and complimented her on her outfit. I tried to start several conversations, but Lisa didn’t say much, and she left after only an hour. After Lisa was gone, I wondered what was wrong with her. Truthfully, I was a little angry about her rapid departure.

Lisa’s perspective I was pleased that my friend, Mary, invited me over for the evening, but when I got there, she said, “Hey, you don’t look fat at all in that outfit!” I was mortified. My flushed face and sullen mood made it clear that she had hurt my feelings, so I wondered why Mary didn’t say she was sorry. When she still hadn’t apologized after an hour, I just decided to go home.

Lisa was the victim of the AD/HD equivalent of the 1-2 knockout punch.

1. Mary said something hurtful, albeit unintentionally.
2. And then she failed to notice her friend’s nonverbal language, which would have indicated that she had committed a faux pas.

To complicate matters, it is generally regarded as impolite to point out social errors, so it is seldom done. Thus, the unintentional offender may never know that she did anything wrong. But imagine trying to learn math if no one ever told you when you had the right or the wrong answer. How could you?

Identify the signs

The first step is to look for clues that you may have committed a blunder. One client I worked with complained that his wife often got angry and left the room, slamming the door, without any warning. I asked Gary to look for clues that she was getting angry, to see what, if anything, led to the slamming-the-door stage. I was sure that she must have given some verbal or nonverbal indications that she was getting upset.

A week later, Gary returned, very excited. “Doc, you were right. I never noticed it before, but her eyes got squinty, her face got red. She clenched her teeth and pressed her lips together, and her voice got high-pitched. Then she left the room, slamming the door. It was great. I never actually saw her get angry before. I always thought she just slammed the door.”

Thus, I had to work with Gary on changing or explaining his behavior to his wife while he still could. By the time she reached the slamming-the-door stage, she was usually no longer willing to talk or listen.

If Mary’s or Gary’s situations sound familiar, you, too, may be throwing those involuntary 1-2 punches. Use these strategies for reading the clues and smoothing out your interpersonal relationships:

• Be on the lookout. People may be sending you nonverbal clues to indicate their displeasure. These include body language, such as moving away from you, cutting conversations short, or crossing their arms or legs. Also note facial expressions, such as red faces, scowls, tight lips, or hurt or angry eyes.
• Review the scene. Play back the conversation in your mind to recall whether you did or said anything provocative.
• Solicit input. Ask whether you said or did anything offensive. If you’re having problems with your spouse or someone else who is close to you, request that person to articulate her anger instead of sending only nonverbal clues.
• Read up on social skills. Review What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don’t? Social Skills Help for Adults with AD/HD (Novotni, 2000) for more help in this area.
• Seek assistance. A counselor or coach with expertise in adult AD/HD and social skills can help. Even if, like Mary and Gary, hurting someone was not your intention, hurting may happen all too often. But, with careful observation and some persistence, you can learn to stop these 1-2 punches before they hit the unintended target.

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This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.