Michele Novotni, PhD

Find yourself quarreling with colleagues?

Follow these ground rules for getting along with others.

• Always look for win-win ideas.
• Make sure the proposals you offer and the positions you take are in alignment with the company’s values and priorities.
• Before proposing a potentially controversial idea at a large meeting, test the waters by meeting in advance with some of the attendees.
• State your position calmly and clearly. It may be helpful to break down your position into bullet points.
• Stick to the facts so as to avoid becoming emotional. ADDers sometimes lose their jobs after making inappropriate comments in the heat of the moment.
• If you get angry, “reset” your emotions with a 30-minute break. Do something unrelated to the situation that caused your anger.

A mother asks:

“I have a son with ADHD who is 9 years old. He prefers to play with girls instead of boys. He seems to fight with boys and act as a caretaker for girls. Is this another symptom of his condition?”

Michele answers:

AD/HD does not in itself cause children to be drawn to interact with the opposite sex. However, it could be that your son has found more acceptance and nurturing with girls than he finds with boys. There are often gender differences in the way children react to differences with boys often turning to aggression and girls more often being more nurturing. This is not true in all cases. Perhaps he has just found people he likes who like him and they happen to be girls. For many with AD/HD, finding anyone who likes them is a wonderful gift!

Q:

“I’m 42, single, have no children, and live alone. Because I have had difficulty with conversations most of my life, I am shunned by family members and co-workers. What can I do?”

Michele answers:

Sometimes it is not what we say, but the way we say it that matters most. Personally I would prefer a world where being right was all that mattered, but that isn’t the world we live in. From your email, it seems like you need to refine the art of social interaction. It also sounds like you don’t know what social errors you are making, so you don’t know how to improve.

I recommend that you consider using the Social Skill Checklist in the back of What Does Everybody Else Know that I Don’t? (Specialty Press, 1999). You can fill out the checklist and ask others to also fill out the checklists to help identify your social strengths and areas that need improvement. The checklist should provide a safe manner of obtaining feedback that others might not usually give.

Another strategy is to ask others directly what you could do to improve your conversations and social interactions. Common ADHD social errors can include:

• interrupting
• talking too much
• talking too fast
• going off track
• not paying attention
• not maintaining balance in relationships
• impulsively blurting out words that would be better left unsaid
• not being reliable, and
• inappropriate body language.

Once you have identified the social errors you are making, you will be able to work on learning different methods of interacting that facilitate connection rather than alienation. You may find help learning the new skills through reading the book, through coaching sessions, or with a therapist trained in social skill acquisition for those with ADHD. Fortunately, there are specific skills that you can learn to improve the social connections in your life!

Five proven expert strategies for battling ADD-related defeatism and negative thinking.

Depression is common among people with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD). In fact, people with ADD are three times more likely than non-ADDers to be depressed. It’s easy to understand why; you’re unlikely to feel good about yourself if forgetfulness and disorganization cause you to feel less than competent at home or work.

But why does poor self-esteem continue to plague ADDers even after their ADHD has been treated? To answer that question, let’s go back to the mid-1960s, when University of Pennsylvania psychologist Martin Seligman conducted pioneering research on a psychological condition now known as “learned helplessness.”

Seligman trained a group of dogs to associate a particular sound with an impending electrical shock. Initially, the dogs were restrained, so, even though they knew a shock was coming, there was no way to avoid it. (Thank goodness such cruelty is now out of vogue!) Later, even though their restraints had been removed, the dogs did nothing to avoid the shock. They had been convinced that it was unavoidable. In other words, they had learned to be helpless.

ADDers are not dogs, obviously. But many ADDers — particularly those whose diagnosis comes late in life — exhibit learned helplessness. They’ve spent so many years failing to live up to their potential, at work, at home, and in their personal relationships, that they assume they always will fail.

That was certainly true for my client Mike, who worked in sales. For years, he had been told that he was not working up to his potential. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t set priorities or keep up with paperwork, and he missed meetings. He was afraid he would lose his job. Even after beginning treatment for ADHD, he just knew that he would continue to fail.

Mike was experiencing learned helplessness. So I urged him to talk to a physician about antidepressant medication (often a good option for severely depressed people) and suggested a few strategies to help him cast off his chronic pessimism. Here they are:

Stop negative thinking.

Mistaken beliefs about yourself are major contributors to depression. Stop beating yourself up with thoughts like, “I’m a failure” or “Things will never change.” How do you do that?

Each time you think ill of yourself, try to  replace the negative thought with one or more positive thoughts. Sit down for a few minutes and take inventory of your strong points. Are you unusually creative? Are you a good storyteller? Can you make a yummy apple pie? Jot down everything you can think of on an index card, and carry it with you in your wallet or purse.

Choose friends carefully.

Spend more time with people who are supportive and encouraging. Do your best to avoid “toxic” people.

Get more exercise.

Physical activity fights depression by boosting levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine. Exercise for at least 15 minutes, three times a week (ideally, you’ll get 30
minutes of exercise, five days a week).

Seek the sunlight.

Spending 15 minutes in direct sunlight can have a big impact on your mood.

Don’t wait to celebrate.

Give yourself a pat on the back for any progress toward your goals. Invite a friend to dinner. Get a massage. Pick up a new DVD.

Mike is no longer depressed. His office is organized, and he is on time
for meetings. He no longer worries about getting fired; recently, he was
publicly recognized for his outstanding achievements at work. All this
came about because he had the courage to believe that success was possible.

Are you depressed? Be like Mike!