Michele Novotni, PhD

SW in NJ asks:

I’m 42, single, no children, and live alone. Because I have difficulty with conversations most of my life, I am shunned by family members and coworkers. My opinions don’t seem to count, though many times people say, “I should have listened to you.” What do I do next?

Michele Novotni answers:

Sometimes it is not what we say, but the way we say it that matters most. Personally I would prefer a world where being right was all that mattered, but that isn’t the world we live in. From your email, it seems like you need to refine the art of social interaction. It also sounds like you don’t know what social errors you are making, so you don’t know how to improve.

I recommend that you consider using the Social Skill Checklist in the back of my book What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don’t?. Fill out the checklist yourself and also ask others you trust to do the same to help identify your social strengths and areas that need improvement. The checklist should provide a safe manner of obtaining feedback that others might not usually give.

Another strategy is to ask others directly what you could do to improve your conversations and social interactions. Common AD/HD social errors can include

• interrupting,
• talking too much,
• talking too fast,
• going off track,
• not paying attention,
• not maintaining balance in relationships,
• impulsively blurting out words that would be much better left unsaid,
• not being reliable,
• inappropriate body language, etc.

Once you have identified the social errors you are making, you will be able to work on learning different methods of interacting that facilitate connection rather than alienation.

You may find help learning the new skills through reading the book, through coaching sessions, or with a therapist trained in social skill acquisition for those with AD/HD. Fortunately, there are specific skills that you can learn to improve the social connections in your life!

An adult with ADHD asks:

I am almost 42 years old and I struggle so much with relationships. It seems as if my brain just shuts off and nothing will come out. I enjoy being with people but not being able to relate (just hold a simple conversation) is so hard. At times, I just have to leave because I get so nervous and fidgety that it makes every one around me feel anxious too. I really want to overcome this problem but have no idea where to start.

Michele Novotni answers:

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling so much in the area of social relationships. However, you are not alone. In my recent book, What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don’t?, I quoted a man with similar feelings. He wrote:

I wanted to tell you about how socializing is work. Most well adjusted people do their best to balance the percentage of time they spend working and relaxing or recreating. Further it is usually best not to play at work or work when you are supposed to be relaxing, that tends to ruin both activities. Most people put socializing in the “play” category; it’s relaxing and recreational. People with ADD have to put out so much effort to socialize, it ends up in the “work” category. It’s not relaxing at all… No wonder we’re always exhausted.

Once you recognize that interpersonal relationships can and do require “work” for people with AD/HD, you may feel less anxious and frustrated.

If your expectation is that listening is hard, you are more likely to gear up to the challenge. However, if your expectation is that it should be easy, you may often find yourself frustrated and overwhelmed.

You could also benefit from learning to understand your own frustration/anxiety tolerance levels and planning ahead to not exceed your limits.

If you can only listen to a boring story for five minutes, have an excuse ready (i.e. bathroom, need something to drink, eat, call the office, etc.) or plan to think about something else until the person is finished talking. If you pre-plan your escapes you are more likely to be socially appropriate and not feel so anxious or overwhelmed.

You also may only be able to comfortably attend a get together for two hours. Plan accordingly.

You could also try finding ways to enjoy the situation more. What are your expectations? Perhaps don’t try to focus on all the details of a conversation, just try to understand the basic idea.

Medication often works well to help people focus better in social situations. Unfortunately, many only use their medication for work or for academic activities leaving the social areas of their lives unsupported. Social relationships are at least equally important to the quality of life. If you take medication, make sure it’s helping you during these times.

Discover what frustrates or overwhelms you most and try to pre-plan methods to meet the challenge. Try reading some books on the topic of social skills and/or conversation. If needed, seek the help of a professional counselor or coach.

Simple ADHD time management tips and strategies to procrastinate less at home and on the job.

We all procrastinate. Unfortunately, folks with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) procrastinate more than others. Although it seems harmless, procrastination causes conflict in personal and professional relationships. When we fail to complete tasks on time, others see this as a sign of disrespect, incompetence, or laziness. To change this habit, realize that procrastination is a purposeful behavior. It lets us avoid doing something we would rather not do. And it works — for a while.

Photo credit: jdurham from morguefile.com

Because procrastination is essentially a mind-set, cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques can help even chronic procrastinators break the habit. If you’ve been putting something off for days (or months), focus and try the following ADHD time management tips:

1. Do something pleasant first

Once your interest is piqued, it’s easy to apply that positive involvement to the task at hand. Rather than follow traditional behavior-management cues and reward successful behavior after the fact, many people with ADHD find it helpful to do something they love first, to “light up” the brain. After that, it’s easier to move on to less enjoyable tasks.

For my clients, these pleasant activities have included basketball, computer games, dancing – even taking a bubble bath. (Set a timer for 20 minutes to make sure you don’t get so absorbed in the pleasant task that you forget to do the necessary one.) Any stimulating activity you love will work.

Photo credit: earl53 from morguefile.com

2. Create the right work environment

People who have ADHD often function best amid unconventional surroundings. Experiment to find your best working environment. Instead of wearing earplugs to ensure silence, for example, you may find that you’re more productive when listening to loud music. If you use ADHD medication, it’s generally best to schedule difficult tasks for times when your symptoms are fully covered.

One of my clients knew that she worked best under pressure. Unfortunately, this meant she’d begin to work on projects only the day before they were due, no matter how involved the task. She’d either turn her work in late or exhaust herself by pulling all-nighters. We solved this problem by having her set her own deadlines for completing portions of the project. This way, she could still work under pressure to finish each portion “on time” – and would have the entire project completed by the actual deadline.

Photp: vicky53 from morguefile.com

3. Eliminate negative self-talk

What we silently say to ourselves about doing the task at hand has a strong impact on how (or whether) we do it. People with AD/HD tend to beat themselves up by playing and replaying negative messages in their minds.

Instead, try telling yourself positive, but realistic, messages – and see what happens. Once you replace “This will take forever, and it’s so late already… ” with “I might not be able to finish this today, but I can do the first two steps within the next 30 minutes,” you’ll see that it is easier to begin.

The messages you send yourself when you complete something on time can also be powerful deterrents to future procrastination. Procrastinators are used to feeling guilty about missing appointments and deadlines and turning in work that doesn’t measure up to their ability – and they don’t enjoy that feeling. Once you begin experiencing the relief you feel after finishing something well, it will be hard to go back to the guilt.

4. Just get started

Merely to start a task – even if it’s started poorly – makes it easier to follow through. Next time you find yourself avoiding something, take a “first sloppy step.” If you need to write something, for example, start by typing random letters on the page. It is gibberish, but at least you will no longer be looking at a blank page.

Photo credit: sssh221 from morguefile.com

5. Take one step at a time

Break large tasks into pieces. One of my clients came to me several months after her wedding, worried because she still hadn’t sent out thank-you cards for her gifts. She felt guiltier about it by the day, and she was approaching the problem by thinking she had to find a block of time when she could sit down and write 150 cards. I gave her “permission” to write and mail only five cards a day until she was finished. This helped her begin – and, eventually, finish – the task.

If a project can’t be completed piecemeal over several days, keep up your momentum by focusing only on the next doable step. Write this step on a sticky note and post it within your line of sight. Put on your blinders, and focus on this rather than on the task as a whole. When that’s done, move on to the next step in the same manner. Before you know it, you’ll be done.

This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2006. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

6 expert tips for adults with ADD who want to make a good first impression. How to watch what you say and how you say it.

John had had it with judgmental people, so he found a way to screen them out: He would no longer shave, bathe regularly, or wear clean clothes. He thought that if people were interested in him despite his disheveled appearance – and his sometimes off-putting adult ADD behaviors – they were his kind of people. It turned out that John, one of my clients, was right. The handful of friends he made were definitely not the judgmental type.

Am I suggesting that you, too, thumb your nose at social norms? No. I just want to remind you that first impressions have an enormous effect on our personal and professional relationships. They dictate whether you get a job or a date or make a friend – and, as they say, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

Folks with AD/HD often have a hard time with first impressions; their hyperactivity and inattentiveness may be misinterpreted as a lack of respect for or interest in others.

Most people judge others in the first two minutes of a first encounter – some experts say the first three seconds. Consequently, it’s wise to do all you can to make a good first impression. You know the importance of a smile and a firm handshake, as well as of eye contact. (It’s been estimated that one’s appearance counts for more than 90 percent of the overall impression one makes, while the words one speaks count for less than 10 percent.)

Here’s what else you can do:
Choose your attire carefully

Try to figure out what other people will be wearing – and aim to match it. This might require some detective work. The day before a job interview, one of my clients stood outside the office building he was going to, checking out what the employees wore to work there. Most wore suits – so he did, too.

If you’re uncertain of what to wear to a social event, call ahead and ask.

Be on time

In most cases, that means being 10 to 15 minutes early. Keeping people waiting is a sure way to make a bad first impression.

Watch your speaking voice

Our style of speaking can affect others more than we think. People with the hyperactive form of ADD often talk too loudly and too rapidly. Those with the inattentive form tend to speak too little and too softly. Physical prompts, such as a vibrating watch (like the one available at WatchMinder.com), can remind you to slow down – or to speak up.

Be a good listener

Rein in your impulsivity or impatience, and let others finish their thoughts before speaking. If this is hard for you, press your tongue against the top of your mouth as you listen.

Then, reflect back what they said before speaking about yourself. Not sure what to say? It’s hard to go wrong with “tell me more.” Using the other person’s name a time or two will earn you brownie points.

Make sure you have something to say

Many people with ADD see small talk as a waste of time rather than the tension-breaker and relationship-builder it is. One way to make small talk easier is to keep up with current events.

Most news sites on the Internet carry the big stories in an easy-to-read format. If you’re to meet with parents of your child’s classmates, look over the notes about classroom activities that the teacher has sent home in your child’s backpack.

Be careful with humor

Since you don’t know the sensitivities of the people you are meeting, avoid jokes and funny comments until you know them better.

This article published by permission from ADDitude Magazine April/May 2006 issue of ADDitude.

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Clear Up Confusion

Use this simple, effective relationship advice to begin speaking the same language as your non-ADD partner and clear up conflicts in your ADHD marriage.

I want my husband to understand that I don’t do it on purpose. He thinks that I ‘forget’ to close the cabinets or ‘forget’ to put something away on purpose.” Ginny, a client in my group for adults with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD), was sharing her frustrations over living with a non-ADD husband. Her need for ADHD relationship advice is common.

Alan, who nodded in agreement, added, “I wish my wife understood how hard I’m trying. She just doesn’t get how much effort it takes for me to do things that come easily to her.” Those two comments opened the floodgates, spurring a lively discussion about the challenges of marriage and ADD.

When I met with some of my clients’ partners—many of whom don’t have ADD—they had their own frustrations. “Sometimes I think I have another child,” “Why can she focus on things she enjoys?” “If she can do it sometimes, why can’t she do it all the time?” were common remarks.

Although all married couples have to navigate challenges, communicate effectively, and work cooperatively, ADD places strain on a relationship. Many of my ADD clients have partners who are so highly organized that they are jokingly accused of having Attention Surplus Syndrome, or ASS. Over time, it seems, the “opposite” qualities that originally attracted the two to each other lose their appeal.

When a relationship hits a rough patch, I advise couples to focus on each other’s strengths, not their weaknesses. I tell them to think of themselves as a team.

Every winning team needs a variety of skill sets to make it work—players who can execute a detailed game plan in a timely manner, and those who inspire with their high energy and spontaneity. A football team comprising quarterbacks only won’t win on game day.

Play the Rating Game

Gauging a couple’s responsibilities and needs—both of which may have changed since you walked down the aisle—is a productive way to start. One strategy for doing this is describing—on a scale of 0-10—how important or exhausting a task is for each of you.

For example, instead of telling your partner it was hard to organize the holiday party, tell him, “It was a 10—or an 11—to put that party together.”

Couples are sometimes surprised by the results of this rating game. One couple found that having down time after work was low in the husband’s list of needs, while his wife rated getting help in the kitchen a 10. The result? The husband helped with dinner prep the second he got home from the office.

Ginny and Alan went home and discussed how much energy (once again, 0-10) they had to expend on tasks with their partner. Each was genuinely surprised at the effort required to do some tasks he or she had thought were effortless. They also discussed how important they considered each task. This gave Ginny and Alan a clear sense of what was important to each of them, as well as to their spouses.

Armed with this information, they renegotiated responsibilities. Ginny realized that her husband didn’t care about eating a gourmet dinner (it was a three, according to him) as much as having an uncluttered chair to sit on in the family room (a whopping nine).

Ginny and her husband didn’t diverge on everything. They both gave a 10 to one important area: wanting to be loved and appreciated for themselves.

A worried parent says:

My 16-year-old son has been diagnosed with ADD. He has a difficult time making friends and maintaining them. Recently he has started being around negative peers that do drugs and have been arrested. Yesterday I found a gun hidden in his closet, I’m afraid for my son’s safety and future. He has been seeing a psychiatrist who prescribes medication but he needs counseling or a boarding school.

Michele Novotni answers:

First of all — remove the gun if you haven’t already done so and call your son’s psychiatrist for immediate help. The psychiatrist can make the determination as to whether or not your son is a danger to himself or others. Let the psychiatrist or a professional you trust direct you as to the appropriate steps to take for your son.

Unfortunately it is not uncommon for adolescents with ADD or other learning difficulties and social skills problems to become depressed. They sometimes can even become suicidal due to the pain of being socially rejected or excluded. They may seek out an undesirable peer group in which they find acceptance. You are very wise to be concerned about your son. It is important to get your son the help he needs immediately to better manage his ADD and to learn the social skills he needs to improve his ability to connect and relate to others. I want to leave you with hope because there are very effective treatments for both the ADD and for helping people learn social skills.

This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.