Michele Novotni, PhD

When you’re driving it’s easy to know whether you’re supposed to go, proceed with caution or stop. Wouldn’t it be great if signs were that easy to see when it comes to women? If she’s interested, you get a green light. Not sure yet? Yellow. If it were a definite “no,” a red light would let you know loud and clear that it just isn’t going to happen.

Actually, women do send signals to let you know how they feel about you. You can learn to decipher any date by listening to both her words and her body language. Here, we color-code their communications for you:

Green Light

Verbal signals

• Statements like, “I really enjoy spending time with you;” “Perhaps we can get together again;” “You are very sweet/ kind/thoughtful…” or “Here’s my phone number.”
• Attempts to reschedule or develop an alternate plan if unable to get together.
• Asks many questions about you.

Nonverbal

• Actively engages in eye contact along with open body language, smiles and perhaps even blushing.
• Stays when you approach and might even move to be closer to you.
  Dresses well when she knows she will be seeing you.
• Looks interested when you talk.
• Laughs at your jokes.

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Yellow Light

Verbal signals

• Statements like “Let me check my schedule and I’ll get back to you.”
• Some time frame given or the possibility of attempt to reschedule if unable to get together.
• Asks a few questions about you.

Nonverbal

• Engages in eye contact, and smiles at times but gives mixed body language.
• Stays when you approach.
• Looks somewhat engaged in conversation with you.
• Some special attention to appearance when she knows she will see you.
• Seems upset when you make plans to go out with someone else.
• Sometimes smiles at your jokes.

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Red Light

Verbal signals

• Statements like “I’ll get back to you,” or “perhaps another time;” “Let’s just be friends;” “I don’t want dating to get in the way of our relationship.”
• No back up or alternate plans or time frames given if unable to get together.
• Asks very few questions about you.

Nonverbal

• Avoids or has limited eye contact, few smiles and closed body position. Frequently checks her watch or the clock.
• Seems to leave quickly when you approach.
• No special attention to appearance if she knows she will see you.
• Looks annoyed at your jokes.

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Learning to read someone’s signals helps you minimize rejection and spend your energy on positive relationships. And don’t worry — if she seems to be blinking yellow, you can always go back to the old grade school standby and ask your friend to ask her friend if she likes you.

This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

LS in Arizona says:

When my 8-year-old ADHD son gets angry with classmates in an unstructured environment (playground), he will immediately push someone. What steps can I suggest as an alternative? (I have offered just walking away or putting his hands in his pockets and taking a deep breath.)

Michele Novotni answers:

Unstructured situations can be a challenge for many with AD/HD. Your suggestions for alternative behaviors sound great. In addition you may want to help him learn to internalize better control and be better able to go on “automatic pilot” when a difficult situation pops up in such an unstructured setting.

It may be helpful to write down what it is that he gets angry about each time on a chart to see if you can restructure or resolve any of the issues.

You may also want to practice in advance through role-play or visualization so that appropriate responses can become more automatic. When you do something repeatedly in practice it is more likely to occur when the situation pops up. Perhaps you could also use cue cards with him before playing to serve as a prompt to help him remember to control his anger.

He may also find an appropriate anger venting strategy helpful when he comes home such as punching a punching bag or pillow or hitting tennis balls.

Another strategy would be to help structure those unstructured situations as much as possible or at least minimize the amount of time he spends in those situations for now.

Women with ADD often feel socially disconnected and unable to ask for help or assert needs. Here’s what you can do to change this.

Although both sexes can and do struggle in the area of social relationships, a double standard often exists. Whereas a man may be excused for violating one of the many social rules, a woman is often not– even when violating the exact same social rule. After all, women are supposed to know more about appropriate social behaviors, right?

Wrong – especially when the woman in question is contending with social impairment sometimes caused by AD/HD. There are some common areas where many women with AD/HD feel their social skills are weak: feeling socially connected with friends, acquaintances and business associates, mastering the multi-tasking switch between work, home and family, being unable to ask for help or assert needs, and feeling isolated and depressed due to lack of positive social interaction. Why is this, and what can you do to build your social strength?

Connectiveness

Social skills are all the things we should say and do (or not say and do) when we interact with other people. They aren’t officially taught in school, but it’s expected that we all know the mysterious social rules that govern our relationships. If you don’t, you often end up dismissed, rejected, and lonely without knowing exactly what it is that you did wrong, and no one usually tells you. Without feedback you rarely have a chance to improve your social behavior. What a vicious cycle!

What to do: Ask people you trust to help you understand what social skill areas you need to improve and be receptive to feedback. Others can help you with your blind spots.

At-home help: Identify your areas of strengths and areas that could benefit from improvement by using a social skills assessment such as The Novotni Social Skills Checklist (2000, Specialty Press).

Multi-tasking Responsibilities

Many men focus on only one task at a time. However, women often don’t have the luxury of a singular focus, especially in their assumed role as social coordinator and household manager.

With AD/HD, multi-tasking responsibilities of household management often creates multi-problems. Failure to accomplish these “normal” tasks may leave many women exhausted and with poor self-esteem. This emotional and physical energy drain leaves little energy to work on social relationships or complex social coordinating tasks. Many women just shut down socially to avoid embarrassment.

What to do: If disorganization is a barrier to your social life, consider seeking support from a coach to help you develop effective strategies, structure and support to remove or minimize this obstacle in your life.

At-home help: Forgive and forget the idea that women should “be it all” and “do it all” for their spouse and family, and delegate! Everyone can help with household tasks in some way – older children may enjoy making dinner or preparing school lunches, younger kids can fold laundry or pick things up off the floor; hubby can pick up groceries on his way home. Also, try home management systems like Flylady.net to help keep clutter in check.

Assertiveness/Conflict

It should be no surprise that women often have difficulty expressing their needs. Many women hope for change but are afraid to request changes or to take risks. This often leaves a void in social relationships and the ability to connect with others.

What to do: Consider taking a class in assertiveness training. Night schools or counseling centers offer such classes to help improve your ability to state your wishes and needs more clearly and effectively.

At-home help: Start small if you’re shy about asking for what you want, and build up to bigger requests. Ask your husband for a shoulder rub. Invite a friend for lunch at your favorite restaurant. Take control of the family remote. Taking the initiative helps control anxiety about the outcome of a situation.

Feelings

Women are usually more aware of the social connections of others around them, and therefore more aware of their isolation or failure to live up to the social expectations. This can often lead to loneliness and sometimes even depression.

What to do: If identification and expression of feelings are causing you difficulties interacting with others, you are struggling in the areas of self-esteem or depression. Consider the possible benefits of counseling to help improve your social life.

At home help: Log on to the world wide web and sign up for one of the hundreds of forums, chat and support groups available for women coping with ADD, and realize that you’re not alone. Try ADDmirable Women, a YahooGroup on line or the online community at additudemag.com. Live support groups for adults are also available in most metropolitan areas through ADDA or CHADD . Check online for listings.

You can learn to interact with others in a way that enhances your social life. There are rules, which once identified can be learned, and even traits you can develop which increase your “likability” factor. I encourage you to learn more about social skills and begin to nurture the relationships that can bring that sense of connection to your life.

This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

DA in Alabama says:

I have a son with ADHD who is 9 years old. He prefers to play with girls instead of boys. He seems to fight with boys and act as a caretaker for girls. Is this another symptom of his condition?

Michele Novotni answers:

AD/HD does not in itself cause children to be drawn to interact with the opposite sex. However, it could be that your son has found more acceptance and nurturing with girls than he finds with boys. There are often gender differences in the way children react to differences with boys often turning to aggression and girls more often being more nurturing. This is not true in all cases. Perhaps he has just found people he likes who like him AND they happen to be girls. For many with AD/HD finding anyone who likes them is a wonderful gift!

This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.