Michele Novotni, PhD

CP in Alabama says:

My 10 year-old son is very withdrawn and acts depressed in social situations. When an adult speaks to him or asks his name he just mumbles and won’t look them in the face. His Dad and I have told him how this embarrasses us and have practiced social skills with him. He seems so sad at times and we want to help him. Any suggestions?

Michele Novotni answers:

Many people with AD/HD also struggle with depression. AD/HD wears people out and can sometimes take on toll on one’s self esteem. This combination often can lead to depression, which can make many reluctant to engage in social interactions.

I recommend having your son evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist for depression. It will be important to understand the reasons for his sadness and withdrawn behavior before effective social strategies can be developed to help him. Given your description of his behavior it does not appear to be a skill deficit problem.

As you anticipated, it is best to avoid putting pressure on him by emphasizing how his behavior embarrasses you. It is important to realize that this is not a personal reflection on you or your competence as a parent. It sounds like he needs love and acceptance as you all work through whatever emotional issues he may be feeling. I wish you well.

This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

A parent asks:

Is it normal for children with ADD to prefer a small group of friends because it is too difficult to interact in a large group because of the chaos and quick pace of activity?

Michele Novotni answers:

At times it can be very overwhelming for both children and adults with ADD to participate in a group situation. The number of distractions increases as the number of people increase. Many people with ADD have difficulty filtering out distractions even in a one-to-one setting. Also, transitions in conversation can move at a fast pace in group settings and many with ADD have difficulty keeping track of conversations. Another difficulty can be the need to wait longer for a turn to speak. Some suggestions for group situations:

• Work on moving the conversation along by asking questions related to what someone was saying.
• Rather than thinking about what you want to say in a large group, learn to just listen, relax and enjoy all the energy and chaos of a group.
• Practice conversation skills in a very small group first (2-3 people) and gradually expand the size of the group.
• If you do like to talk in a large group setting, be careful not to dominate the conversation.

This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

A mother asks:

We will be moving to the states after two years of living abroad. My son, since age four, has been in a very small school setting. He will be 10 this summer and entering the fourth grade. How do I prepare him for the public school setting in his new school? How do I explain the resource class to him? How can I help him react positively to other kids in case some were to ridicule him? We have the option of a small private school, but I think it is time to move him into the real world to prepare him for middle school in two years (Does this make sense?)

Michele Novotni answers:

Transitions are difficult for people with ADD. I’m wondering if both the move to the States and a move to a large public school setting is the best timing.

I suggest that you talk with your child’s current teachers and seek their recommendation for the best placement and timing since they would know your child’s academic and social readiness best. Were they looking to move him into a regular class if you were not moving? If so why? If not, why not?

Regarding teasing, kids can be terribly cruel — especially to those who may be a little different. It is always helpful to work with your child in establishing five responses to someone who is teasing them in advance. Together you can role-play or practice responding to ridicule.

You can even make your practice sessions more fun by coming up with some outrageous responses so that it won’t seem so much like work. Perhaps you can even identify five responses to NEVER make when someone is teasing you. He could write down his favorite responses on an index card and review them each day. This way, an appropriate response should easily be at hand when/if needed.

This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

A mother wonders:

My 14-year-old ADD son has recently become more agitate, argumentative and less tolerant – especially with me, his mother. Could this be part of normal adolescence or could he possible need adjustments or changes in his medication?

Michele Novotni answers:

One easy way to tell if your son’s behavior is medication related is to look at whether his behavior is better on or off medication. It is also possible that due to hormonal changes, his present medication is not sufficient. If the behaviors do not seem to be medication related, counseling may provide the help you are seeking.

This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

A mother asks:

My 16-year-old son is severely lacking social skills. He has no friends, makes inappropriate, embarrassing comments and has no athletic interests. He has been chatting online to a teenager in the UK. (I hope he’s a teenager, that is.) The problem is that now my son thinks that he is gay like the UK teen. Should I let him continue this interchange or cut it off?

Michele Novotni answers:

Rather than emphasizing whether or not to try to cut off his interchange, an important, longer term question would be, “How can I help him improve his social skills.” Social competence is one of the primary determinants of adult success.

Social competence is one of the primary determinants of adult success.

Many people with poor social skills find the Internet a great source of social interaction because it provides access to a wide range of people and you have the ability to take your time to formulate responses. Some people also find comfort in the acceptance they find on the net.

I recommend that you try to identify the social skills that he is lacking and work with him on gaining the needed skills or obtain the help of a psychologist or coach to help him improve his social skills. He may also benefit from the help of a psychologist in sorting out his social difficulties and his questions regarding his sexual orientation.

By improving his social skills, he would be able to open a wider range of options for friends and he may not see homosexuality as his only form of social connection. This strategy would hopefully provide a long-term solution to the problem.

DWM in California wonders:

I am curious what possible issues the “oppositional defiance” component will produce in our son as he enters his twenties. His teenage years required SIGNIFICANT parental intervention.

Michele Novotni answers:

I’m not sure that this is the answer that you want, but you are probably in for more of the same.

It is often helpful for many parents to continuing providing some degree of reasonable emotional/problem solving support to their adult children with AD/HD, especially when additional psychologist issues are present. The encouraging part is that you made it this far and have probably developed some strategies that have worked.

I would however, encourage you to not do more than you feel comfortable with. As people with AD/HD get older, they can also be encouraged to obtain needed support through coaches, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, etc. and become more independent and self reliant as they learn to take responsibility for managing their AD/HD. I wish you all well.

This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

Tact: The art of selecting words carefully, delicately and in a way not to offend or alienate others. Tact is a sense of what to do or say to maintain good relationships with others. Tact is the opposite of “foot in mouth disease.”

I must say that one of the most tactful article rejections I ever received came from ADDitude’s editors, Ellen Kingsley and Pat Wycliff. Rather than say they didn’t like what I had written, they suggested that the emphasis was not quite what they were looking for. Would I be willing to go a different way? Even more tactful, they began their rejection by telling me how much they appreciated all my contributions to ADDitude over the years and how much they generally love what I write.

Very tactful!

Tact is sometimes in short supply for those who are inattentive or impulsive — qualities not limited to those with AD/HD. Errors in tact can be avoided by:

Choosing Words Carefully

If someone asks you for an opinion about how they look, for goodness sake don’t respond by saying, “You don’t look so fat in that outfit,” as one of my clients once did. The same thought can be conveyed through a variety of words, such as “I love it, but I still think black is a more slimming color for you.”

The impact of words varies based on the tactfulness of your choice.

Tact Deficient: “I totally disagree.”

Tact: “I’m having a difficult time grasping what you mean. Help me better understand your thinking on this matter.”

Focus On the Positive

Focus on positive aspects in conversations. Look for responses that indicate a half-full glass worldview rather than a half empty glass. A positive perspective on things makes a difference in relationships. Research has shown that people like to be with people who are positive rather than critical.

Avoid All or Nothing Thinking

Many folks make the mistake of seeing the world in only two camps — right or wrong, good or bad. This worldview creates serious social problems since it does not allow for differences of opinion, a spectrum of ideas and diverse thoughts. Some people will throw away an apple if it has a bruise, others will cut away the bruise and use the rest of the apple. I am suggesting that you consider what is good about what someone has just said and be open to thoughts that differ from yours. Take a rainbow view of the world, realizing that there are a number of colors and blends in colors.

Say Less

Tact requires that you say what you need to say and not much more. For example, “Hi! How are you doing?” Really just means “Hi.” An extended answer about how you are really doing is considered socially inappropriate. If someone really wants to know, they will ask again. Also be careful not to say too much to people you just met on airplanes or at restaurants. And be careful not to bring up too many personal issues at work. People appreciate healthy boundaries.

Hot Potatoes

Tact requires avoiding topics such as money, religion and politics except with people you know extremely well. Such topics need to be approached with the utmost of care and with sensitivity to the differences that are often strongly felt regarding these topics. Statements like “It’s definitely…” or, “Any idiot knows that…” are guaranteed to offend. To be socially safe and tactful, avoid “hot potato” topics whenever possible.

Observe Body Language Cues

Watch other people’s body language (or changes in their voice) to indicate pleasure or displeasure with your comments. Both can be very accurate tact gauges. When people start looking away from you, tap their feet, or provide monosyllabic answers, take those cues as a sign that it’s time to stop talking, change the subject, or excuse yourself.

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This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited.

Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

JL in California asks:

How do I teach my 16-year-old son the right way to approach a girl he likes and is interested in? He overwhelms them by the amount of attention he gives them (constant phone calling) etc. Plus, he will tell within days how much he likes her. It does not take long before the girl gives him the cold shoulder. He is tall, handsome and a charmer. He says he understands what I am telling about giving the girl some space and time to get to know him. But it all goes out the window when he starts pursuing someone.

Michele Novotni answers:

Fortunately, your son has many strong features. It sounds like the areas of patience and restraint can use some help. Many people with AD/HD have similar social difficulties due to impulsivity. It seems that he might not fully understand the smothering impact of his behavior.

… he might not fully understand the smothering impact of his behavior.

An important question to ask him would be, “Is what you are doing working?” If he feels that his active/very active pursuit is effective, your role would be in helping him to understand that he is not as successful as he sees himself.

Keeping records may help him understand the need to find another approach Suggest he keep track of the number and the times of his phone calls and her responses. When he tells a girl he likes her, how can he see that she is beginning to give him the cold shoulder.

It may also be possible that data will show that he is more successful than you thought and no intervention is needed.

If he feels like he is not currently successful, engage his cooperation in working on curbing his impulsive behavior. Perhaps work with him to make up three rules for him to follow for social relationships. Such as, You may only call one time per day; you may only call three times without a return call. (Be careful that he sees these rules as his and for his benefit and not for you!)

Develop wording to use in the different stages in a relationship to show that he cares. The key is to work with your son to develop more effective strategies that he will feel comfortable implementing.

The first rule for those who want to help is to make sure that your help is wanted. Next, make sure that what you are doing is perceived as helpful. I encourage you to ask your son how your can best help support him in this process. I wish you well.