Michele Novotni, PhD

As a teacher, you can defuse tensions, maximize the benefits and minimize stress at parent meetings by being flexible, empathetic, and up-to-date on AD/HD.

As a parent of a child with AD/HD, educational consultant, former school psychologist and teacher, I have sat on many sides of the educational planning table. I frequently attend IEP or 504 meetings on behalf of parents to help facilitate the process and have a great deal of experience as to what goes on behind the scenes for parents. Many parents of children with AD/HD approach IEP meetings with fear, frustration, and confusion. With each new school year often comes a new teacher – and with each new teacher, the same fears arise:

1. You don’t really know and understand their child.
2. You won’t select the most appropriate accommodation for their child.
3. They will look stupid.
4. You will think they are inadequate parents.

As a teacher, you can defuse tensions, maximize the benefits and minimize stress at parent meetings by being flexible, empathetic, and up-to-date on AD/HD and learning disabilities. Most of all, you need to assure them that you all have the same goal – to help their child have a successful year.

Set the Stage for Success

Begin the meeting by welcoming the parents and introducing the meeting participants along with their roles. Offer them something to drink. Use comfortable, adult-sized chairs. Preview the meeting for them so they know what to expect. Share an interesting story about their child so they know that you really do know their child. Help them feel part of the team by asking, “What can you share with us to help us be more effective teachers for your child in the classroom?”

Parents May Also Have AD/HD

Given the strong genetic link for AD/HD, it is likely that one of the parents you are dealing with may also have AD/HD. In many cases it may be very minor, but you may notice the behaviors such as not completing papers in a timely manner, needing reminders and/or an extra set of paperwork, missing pieces of information or getting distracted. You may need to gently bring them back to the topic at hand.

Watch Out for House Talk

Refrain from the use of educational jargon. Explain terminology. Even though this may be your 1,000th meeting for the year, this may be the first or one of only a handful of such meetings for the parents. Be patient. Parents become confused, and intimidated when you use common educational terms like 504 vs. IEP plans, resource room vs. instructional support and wraparound services. Make a guide to understanding special education terms to give to parents, or identify one person at the meeting to decipher educational jargon and explain the terms to parents. Even when the school has gone above and beyond expectations, some very intelligent parents leave meetings angry because they didn’t understand what was said.

Avoid discussing other school-related issues at these meeting amongst other teachers and co-workers. Parents often feel excluded, uncomfortable and less a part of the team as educators discuss other school-related issues.

A Little Knowledge…

Many parents are aware of their rights and accommodations to some extent. They often receive information through support groups, friends or neighbors, websites and sometimes books. Unfortunately, their information is not always entirely accurate or complete.

Allow adequate time for explanations and questions. Many schools have to schedule brief, back-to-back meetings due to time constraints, which hurries the process. In this case, contact the parents to check to see if they have any questions both prior to and subsequent to the meeting. This is often much less intimidating for them, and assures them that their concerns will be addressed.

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At business meetings, Sarah feels like she doesn’t fit in. She struggles to keep track of the conversations, has difficulty blocking out unwanted sounds, participates rarely, and ends up feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what was said.

Sam, on the other hand, considers himself very social. He loves to talk to his group and always has a story to tell. Unfortunately, he often misses the cues that tell him not to dominate the discussion.

Whether you have inattentive AD/HD, like Sarah, or hyperactive AD/HD, like Sam, group interaction can be a challenge. There are different rules and expectations for different types of groups, so it is important to understand what the requirements are and to prepare accordingly. But by sticking to some simple strategies, you can stay on track throughout your meetings and conduct yourself with grace in social settings.

Work Groups

People with AD/HD thrive on brainstorming and collaboration in the workplace. But remember that the primary purpose of working as a group is to accomplish a task efficiently.

• Know the expectations concerning your specific role as well as the overall goals and deadlines for the project at hand.

TIP: Schedule an hour of quiet time before a meeting in a noisy environment to focus yourself. Take a brisk walk right before a mellow get-together to work off some of your excess energy.

• Stay within the time frame for the group meeting. Avoid side conversations or off-task comments. Try a timer to help all of the members stay on track.
• Hold meetings in a relatively quiet environment to limit distractions. A lunch meeting in a noisy restaurant will make it hard to concentrate.
• Tape-record the meeting if you feel you’ll have trouble remembering what was said. If you have difficulty staying on task, take notes as well to help keep you focused.
• Balance your participation with the other members. Select an effective member of the group as a model and use that person’s level of participation as a gauge to determine whether you’re speaking too much or too little.

Support Groups

You’ll get the best support from your group if you can find the middle ground between talking and listening.

• Know the structure of your group and save chatter for the right time. Some groups schedule casual social periods along with group sharing, while others provide opportunities to mingle only before and after the official meeting.

TIP: If you take medication to lessen symptoms of distractibility and fidgeting at work, you may want to adjust the timing to cover your evening meetings, as well.

• Balance your personal disclosure. Observe silently for a meeting or two before jumping in. Sharing too much makes group members feel uncomfortable, whereas sharing too little makes you seem standoffish. Take your cues from others to find the right balance.
• Be respectful and supportive. Aim for a three-to-one ratio—three comments in response to others for every personal comment you make.

Social Groups

Many of the support-group tips apply here as well.

• Enlist a friend to give you subtle cues (hand movements, eye contact, or gentle foot taps) to regulate your degree of participation. Because there are fewer constraints on behavior in social settings, this will help you stay with a conversation or avoid chattering away.
• Be mindful of time. Social groups, like more formal groups, are often planned, though they are more likely to stray from a time frame. Follow the lead of others and leave when the majority of participants leave.

Remember, if you have prepared yourself to meet the expectations of the group, you’ll be more likely to enjoy yourself.

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This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2005. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

Faux pas are inevitable until you learn the unspoken give-and-take that accompany every conversation.

Mary’s perspective Last night I invited my friend, Lisa, to my house. When she arrived, I greeted her at the door and complimented her on her outfit. I tried to start several conversations, but Lisa didn’t say much, and she left after only an hour. After Lisa was gone, I wondered what was wrong with her. Truthfully, I was a little angry about her rapid departure.

Lisa’s perspective I was pleased that my friend, Mary, invited me over for the evening, but when I got there, she said, “Hey, you don’t look fat at all in that outfit!” I was mortified. My flushed face and sullen mood made it clear that she had hurt my feelings, so I wondered why Mary didn’t say she was sorry. When she still hadn’t apologized after an hour, I just decided to go home.

Lisa was the victim of the AD/HD equivalent of the 1-2 knockout punch.

1. Mary said something hurtful, albeit unintentionally.
2. And then she failed to notice her friend’s nonverbal language, which would have indicated that she had committed a faux pas.

To complicate matters, it is generally regarded as impolite to point out social errors, so it is seldom done. Thus, the unintentional offender may never know that she did anything wrong. But imagine trying to learn math if no one ever told you when you had the right or the wrong answer. How could you?

Identify the signs

The first step is to look for clues that you may have committed a blunder. One client I worked with complained that his wife often got angry and left the room, slamming the door, without any warning. I asked Gary to look for clues that she was getting angry, to see what, if anything, led to the slamming-the-door stage. I was sure that she must have given some verbal or nonverbal indications that she was getting upset.

A week later, Gary returned, very excited. “Doc, you were right. I never noticed it before, but her eyes got squinty, her face got red. She clenched her teeth and pressed her lips together, and her voice got high-pitched. Then she left the room, slamming the door. It was great. I never actually saw her get angry before. I always thought she just slammed the door.”

Thus, I had to work with Gary on changing or explaining his behavior to his wife while he still could. By the time she reached the slamming-the-door stage, she was usually no longer willing to talk or listen.

If Mary’s or Gary’s situations sound familiar, you, too, may be throwing those involuntary 1-2 punches. Use these strategies for reading the clues and smoothing out your interpersonal relationships:

• Be on the lookout. People may be sending you nonverbal clues to indicate their displeasure. These include body language, such as moving away from you, cutting conversations short, or crossing their arms or legs. Also note facial expressions, such as red faces, scowls, tight lips, or hurt or angry eyes.
• Review the scene. Play back the conversation in your mind to recall whether you did or said anything provocative.
• Solicit input. Ask whether you said or did anything offensive. If you’re having problems with your spouse or someone else who is close to you, request that person to articulate her anger instead of sending only nonverbal clues.
• Read up on social skills. Review What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don’t? Social Skills Help for Adults with AD/HD (Novotni, 2000) for more help in this area.
• Seek assistance. A counselor or coach with expertise in adult AD/HD and social skills can help. Even if, like Mary and Gary, hurting someone was not your intention, hurting may happen all too often. But, with careful observation and some persistence, you can learn to stop these 1-2 punches before they hit the unintended target.

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This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.

Remember when you were in school and it was report card time? Anxiety often hit. In the same way, performance evaluations on the job can cause fear and trembling in folks — especially in this economy when job cuts are on the rise. So what can you do to not only survive the performance evaluation, but also to shine? Here are some tips:

Before the Evaluation

1. Pull out your past evaluation if available and make sure you have worked on the areas that had been flagged as needing improvement. This will demonstrate your receptivity to feedback.
2. Obtain a current copy of the evaluation tool by which you will be measured. Your personnel office should have a copy. It’s hard to be successful if you don’t know how you are being assessed for success.
3. Do your own evaluation as objectively as possible. Describe your strengths as well as areas in which you need to improve.
4. Redo the evaluation this time from your evaluator’s perspective. What do you think he/she will say?
5. Problem-solve any areas that need improvement in advance. This way, if they appear at evaluation time, you are already prepared. You are open to the idea that something needs improvement and you have already begun thinking of actions to remedy the problem area. Employers generally value forward-looking people with problem-solving capabilities.

During the Evaluation

1. Go into the feedback session with an open mind and a controlled tongue. Resist the urge to argue. Employers usually respect workers who are receptive and open to feedback.
2. Ask for clarification if you don’t “get” what the problem is so that you can fully understand the issues that are of concern.
3. If you still disagree with the evaluation, IN A CALM MANNER, let the evaluator know that you will need some time to reflect on this information before you respond and that you would like to meet again in a few days.
4. If your evaluator has overlooked your strengths, bring them up along with concrete examples.

After the Evaluation

1. Use the additional time to give serious attention to the feedback. Ask colleagues for clarification.
2. If, upon further reflection and information gathering, you realize you have areas to address that you were unaware of, develop a strategy to shore up the areas that need improvement. You may want to work with a coach or counselor in this process. Meet with your evaluator to discuss your ideas along with some type of accountability plan.
3. If you still disagree, follow your organization’s appeal process in a calm and professional manner.

Realize that AD/HD often presents challenges in the workplace. At times, accommodations may be needed to help you function at your best. Many accommodations can be put into place without your having to disclose your AD/HD.

Sometimes it will be to your benefit to discuss your AD/HD in a formal manner with your employers so you can be protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. However, consider carefully the consequences of doing so.

Here’s hoping that you will bring home lots of A’s on your next “report card!”

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…And Other Principles of Professionalism

When Hillary* met with the rest of the editorial team, it was all about Hillary. She talked constantly about her story ideas and gave others little chance to speak. When they did, Hillary found a million reasons why their ideas wouldn’t work as well as hers. Soon Hillary, who believed she was the team’s most valuable member, found herself off the lineup and out of a job.

Like many with AD/HD, Hillary didn’t realize that succeeding on a team requires a heightened awareness of others. You have to be able to listen, contribute ideas and provide task support based on what you’ve heard. Remember, there is no “I” in teamwork.

Managing yourself and your own tasks is difficult enough when you have AD/HD. The added complexities of different personalities and interaction styles can be overwhelming. But these days, many companies prefer that people work in teams, because productivity exceeds the results of individuals working alone. If your company values and requires teamwork, here are important principles to keep in mind.

• Think about the team members and their feelings rather than just the task. If you get the task done, but injure relationships, you may not be successful in your job.
• Thinking outside the box is one positive aspect of having AD/HD. Use it. Teams draw on the individual strengths of their members. Every team needs new ideas and new ways to proceed as well as people to carry out the tasks.
• Energy management is critical. Try and schedule meetings at optimum times for your energy level and work style. If you are hyperactive, you may want to cram a meeting between two active tasks. If you are easily overwhelmed by too many words and activities, plan to have meetings after a period of quiet time.
• Engage others in the discussion and listen carefully. Ask more about other people’s ideas and opinions before sharing your own.
• Encourage others. Be supportive of their ideas, even ideas that differ from your own. Building relationships by supporting co-workers will make you a valued team member.

Appreciate your unique gifts and talents as well as those of your co-workers. Lead with your strengths and encourage other team members to do the same. Cherish diversity rather than bemoaning what you or others are not. Not everyone is “detail oriented.” Nor is everyone an “idea person.”

* Not her real name

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This article is published by permission from ADDitude Magazine ©2004. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part is prohibited. Subscribe to ADDitude online or via toll-free phone 888-762-8475.